While in the midst of infertility it is sometimes difficult to see anything other than our pain. Yet, if you really think about it, there is something so humorous about speeding down the highway with a semen sample hidden in your bra, praying that a cop does not pull you over. The lengths that we will go through just to bring home a screaming bundle of joy is crazy if we think about it!! So to help you remember that life is not all bad here are few things to help you laugh out loud.
*These are compiled from other sites and credit is given when possible.
                                                                                                                                     
THE STORK

Two women dealing with infertility were walking down the street together. Suddenly they saw a stork carrying a baby fly by. They looked at each other and one women said, " What do you think that was?" The other woman took out a handgun and said, "Opportunity knocking."

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You Know You’re TTC When…

- The Big 'O' no longer refers to orgasm, but instead to ovulation.
- You show everyone who will look your bbt charts
- Every twinge is a potential sign: was that twinge ovulation pain or perhaps implantation, are my boobs sore from early pregnancy hormones or just from me mauling them off my body checking for tenderness, is this spotting implantation bleeding or the Witch from Hell coming?
- It no longer strikes you as the least bit odd to check out at the store with pregnancy tests, tampons or maxi-pads AND ovulation kits in your cart. You figure better be prepared for using the second and third if the first fails, right?
- You schedule your social events around your ovulation day.
- If your OPK comes up +, you cancel all social engagements that night so you can have babymaking sex & lie with your legs elevated and butt up in the air afterwards.
- You talk using mysterious acronymns that only your ttc buddies understand: ttc, cd, u/s, bw, BD, ewcm, bbt, opk, POAS, BFP/BFN, HPT, 2ww...and don't think twice about it. You are actually surprised when someone looks at you like you've grown a second head...and then you realize what you're doing.
- Your morning motto is: "Don't talk to me until I've taken my temperature"
- You take your temperature more than once a day (committed TTCer)
- You refuse to finish decorating that spare bedroom in your house, because you keep hoping that this month might just be THE month and don't want to redo it until it's time to make it a nursery anyway.
- You put off buying any fall/winter clothes, because you hope they won't fit by the time the weather gets cooler. Same goes for spring/summer clothes!
- You clip coupons for OPKs and HPTs and are ecstatic when you find them.
- Your doctor says, "Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day" and you don't even flinch.
-You check the toilet paper every time you tinkle checking for cervical mucus...and gleefully shout with excitement when it FINALLY looks fertile.
- You spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility supplements than you do on clothes.
- The thought of morning sickness makes your heart skip a beat!
- You make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say "ok" to a drink.
- You get sick but make sure you can take the medicine in case you are pregnant...and would rather stay sick if you can't take the medicine.
- You finally look forward to mornings! Another opportunity to take and record your temp!
- You refer (and think) of your husband, not as his real name, but as the letters "DH" in real life.

So...how many of you have done all of these things and more? Show of hands? LOL

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You might be infertile if........

*you know what BBT means.

*you hold your legs up after sex.

*you know man's average sperm count.

*you can pronounce weird words like "oligoasthenoteratozoospermia".

*have boxes of injectable hormones in your fridge instead of condiments.

*pregnant women or those with babies always seem to find you and get in your way in the grocery store, sit in front of you in church, etc.

*know the term morphology and what it means.

*have purchased more than 25 pg tests in the same year.

*when you see the initials AI for American Idol but automatically assume that it means artificial insemination.

*you speak "code": RE, BD, POAS, PCOS, etc.

*set your alarm to give yourself a shot in the butt at exactly 2:34am, and feel wonderful afterward.

*you know exactly what cycle day you are on.

*the following makes perfect sense:
No AF, took HPT, got BFN, finally called RE, scheduled me a HSG and DH a SA, and was told to start BBT'ing (again) and using OPK's.

*you are wearing long sleeve shirts to cover the bruising from having blood work done so many times.

*when you call your ob to ask that your records be sent to your RE they ask "ALL of them?? *sigh* Okay".

*you know which ovary is making the most eggs.

*you see someone carrying a brown paper bag and your first assumption is that they are taking a semen sample to the lab.

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Let Me Translate

We infertiles get asked questions or hear advice all of the time about our childless state. More often than not we smile and sweetly answer with rehearsed answers. So today I am going to translate these answers for you into what we are really thinking.

When you (you here refers to mere myrtles) ask us......

Q: Do you have any children?
A: No, not yet.
Translation: No, I don't. But thanks for bringing up that painful part of my life.

Q: Why don't you have children?
A: We are waiting on God.
Translation: Because we are infertile, stupid! Besides, if we did, what stupid question would you ask then?

Q: Is there something wrong with you?
A: We have some fertility issues.
Translation: My eggs are beginning to expire and his swimmers are directionally impaired. And that just skims the surface of our issues. But the only thing wrong with me are morons that ask stupid questions.

Q: Are you doing it right? (yes, I have really been asked this)
A: I am sure that we are.
Translation: Hmmm....I don't know. Would you like to demonstrate???

Q: What are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger.
A: We are waiting on God.
Translation: I am aging??? No way!!! Fertility goes down as we age? Seriously?? Why didn't one of my many fertility specialists ever tell me this? I had better hurry up and get pregnant!


Q: Why don't you just adopt?
A: It is an option that we are considering.
Translation: Sure, let me head down to the baby store and just pick one out. Do you have $20k to help me pay for it? And how would you like your whole personal life on display to the agency, birth mother, case worker and judge. Sounds like so much fun I wish that I had thought of it!

Advice: You should just adopt and then you will get pg. It happened to so and so.
A: Yes, I have heard that happens sometimes.
Translation: First of all, I don't care if your aunt Edna's second cousin's boyfriend's brother's niece got pg after she adopted. Second, the statistics of that happening are slim. And third, this thinking negates the adopted baby's importance.

Q: Why don't you try IVF? My cousin did and she has twins.
A: We are praying about what God wants us to do.
Translation: Why, I ain't never heared of no iee-vee-eff. Is that some sort of new fangled voo-doo? Of course I have considered IVF. There is just a little problem in the amount of $15,000. Oh wait! I just found some money in my back pocket. Yep, that should cover it.


Advice: Relax! It will happen.
A: Smile and nod.
Translation: Really??? That is all that it takes? No more ovulation tests? No more drugs? No more shots in my butt??? Woo Hoo!!! All I need is a vacation and I will get pg. Hawaii, here I come. I can't believe that I didn't know about this 11 years ago!

Advice: Maybe you have some unconfessed sin in your life.
A: I will look into that.
Translation: Did you really just say something that stupid?!?!? So by your way of thinking that crack whore who just had her 5th child by the 4th baby daddy (probably a john while she was hooking) is sinless? Wow! Nice to know!

Advice: I know what you are going through. It took us 6 months to concieve our second one and almost a year for number four. Just be patient
A: Smile and nod
Translation: Wow! You really do know what I am going through!! My 11 years of temps, charting, blood work, samples, inseminations, shots, ultrasounds, surgeries, tears and heartbreak is just like your 6 months of unprotected sex! I am so glad to have found someone that truly understands my pain.

Q: Here, just take mine then you won't want any of your own.
A: ha ha
Translation: If I smack you will I go to jail? If so, for how long? It might be worth it.

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BBT Lessons

Wake up at 5 a.m. and swing your arm at your bedside table until you find your basal thermometer. Stick the right end of it in your mouth, in the exact same position everyday, and try to stay awake for five minutes. As you begin to wake up, realize how badly you need to urinate and try to resist the urge without squirming too much. Mentally tell yourself, "Just relax, it'll work out" -- chances are you'll hear that a few times today. Try to read the thermometer in the dark while your spouse continues to sleep. When that fails, take it into the bathroom with you. Sit on the toilet and position yourself to either pee in a cup or on a stick. If you're really good, try to squirt a little out first. Give yourself extra points if you manage to do this routine without overfilling your cup or splashing a test window. While you wait, check your genitals for mucus. If you're lucky enough to find some, play with it! Look at it, feel it, stretch it. When you're done, pick up your scientific-looking form and chart your findings. Compute the data, and mutter to yourself, "You're probably just not trying hard enough" -- it won't be the last time you hear that today. If the calculations add up, go back into your bedroom and convince, cajole, and beg your spouse to have intercourse -- and all the while remember not "to let the spontaneity go out of your sex life." After you're done, prop your buttocks up so it's higher than the rest of your body and lay there for a half hour. Figure out exactly how you're going to stay in that position for so long and still have time to shower, dress and have breakfast before you have to leave the house at 6:15. Say aloud, "If you can't even manage to do this, how will you ever manage parenthood?" -- another comment you'll get at some point during the day. When you finally make it out the door, remind yourself that, "This is the easy part" -- you'll hear that later as well. Give yourself a pat on the back for not only completing 5 a.m. chemistry class, but for also getting yourself ready for pop quizzes in interpersonal communication!

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THE IVF PLUNGE!

Thrills! Chills! Stabs! Jabs! Laughs! Screams!

What makes THE IVF PLUNGE so unique is that it is actually several rides in one! But not all riders will experience all the rides - automatic track switchers randomly select cars to go on any particular sequence. In addition, selection of a clinic also results in different protocols, behavior, treatment, cost and support. So THE IVF PLUNGE is never the same ride twice!

For more details, read on....

Some riders will experience thrills on the INSURANCE ride! Swinging you around, upside down and inside out, a brass ring of coverage will be tantalizingly close, only to be snatched away at the last minute! For those riders who manage to snatch the brass ring, a FREE RIDE on THE IVF PLUNGE is available! (provided they meet certain restrictions.) Riders who don't grab the brass ring get a consolation prize - a ride on the CASH attraction! Whether maxing out the credit cards, taking a second loan on the house, or sponging off of future grandparents, this is a ride that you will remember for the rest of your life as you struggle to pay off the debt!!

A new attraction for PCO sufferers has recently been added - called DAY ONE. This ride starts with the well-known classic DAY ONE - a big draw in the INFERTILITY group of attractions - and ratchets the anticipation UP!!! Will YOU meet the cut-off date??? Then of course there is the Day 3 FSH - do YOUR ovaries have what it takes?

The first part of the main ride is familiar to those who've been to the INFERTILITY attractions before - OPKs! But the intensity is GREATER - the highs are higher and the lows are lower and the kits are even HARDER to read!! But it all pays off as you move into....

MEDICATIONS! This is the most intense part of THE IVF PLUNGE, described by visitors as the ride from hell!! Whether your shots are sub-cutaneous or intramuscular, you won't want to miss the artificial menopause brought on by lupron, and don't forget THE HORRORMONES! You think you've done injectibles before? You think you're a pro? THINK AGAIN!! With HIGHER levels of injectibles, and DAILY monitoring, this is where the nightmare becomes reality! Then who can forget the terror of HYPERSTIMULATION, one of those random side trips! Another random side trip, POOR RESPONSE, has a chance of ending your ride early!!! Just another sense of anticipation! Can YOU make it through this part of the ride?

If so, it's on to RETRIEVAL AND TRANSFER. This ride is unique in that NO TWO PEOPLE EXPERIENCE THE SAME THING!! Some will sail through with arms raised, careening into the next sequence. Others will be shunted off due to poor egg or sperm quality, incomplete fertilization, or fragmented embryos! Your heart will be in your mouth as you await the phone call telling you how many embryos made it! And will you be sick with anticipation, or is that a reaction to the anesthesia???

Then the TWO WEEKS FROM HELL. Words cannot describe this phenomenon! With daily intramuscular shots of progesterone in oil, this is probably the most painful part of the ride! The highs and lows are even more intense, as you are surrounded by well-meaning but offensive friends and relatives saying "Well?" and otherwise telling you what you SHOULD have done. NOTHING you have experienced in the two week wait of prior cycles will prepare you for this!! You will laugh, cry, scream - all at the same time! You will feel suspended in time as you wait for.....

THE TEST. The most anticipated part of the ride!!! Some random number (depending on clinic stats) will PASS!! Those lucky riders will go on to the PREGNANCY ride, a swirling maelstrom of emotions, changes, and risks! Those who receive a negative beta-HCG are not left out though. They will descend a huge drop of what will seem like ten miles in about 10 seconds!! The misery and tears will be just the beginning, as pregnant women and women with babies and adorable toddlers will be EVERYWHERE! But never fear, because for only thousands of dollars you can once again -

Take THE IVF PLUNGE!!!

 Addicted to HPT's

By Karen Squires

If you laughed at this title, this article may be for you. HPT means Home Pregnancy Test and they are without a doubt, addictive. Alcoholics try to hide their addiction, so do women addicted HPT's. I know because I'm one of them.

I found HPT's at the dollar store for, you guessed it, a dollar. I was so excited. I only grabbed one test the first time I saw them. I ran home and used it right away. I got a BFN (Big Fat Negative). Of course I was only 7 days after ovulation so what could I expect.

The next day, after lying to my husband and telling him that I needed to run and get some shampoo, I was back at the dollar store for more. I bought five this time, figuring that if I ran one a day I would have enough to last until 12 days after ovulation. I always get a positive by 11 days after ovulation so I had enough to see if I had a baby in me this cycle. Two days later I had used them all up and was back at the store needing more shampoo. I bought another five tests. I was now 10 days after ovulation. Five more would last me until my next cycle started, which I hoped wouldn't come.

As I drove home I tried desperately to remember when I had gone to the bathroom last. I needed to hold my urine for at least 4 hours to let the pregnancy hormone build up. I remembered that it had only been about one and 1/2 hours. It was now 10:00 am, I'll have to wait until 12:30pm. I told myself that when I got home I'd do the dishes, vacuum, dust, paint the bathroom, anything to keep my mind off of running the test. I pulled in the driveway, ran straight to the bathroom, and peed in a cup. Another BFN. Dang it. I have no self control. I'll have to start all over again.

It's now 11 am. I have to hold my urine until 3 pm to let the hormone (if there is any) build up again. At 1:30 pm I run another test. BFN! Dang it all to heck! What is my problem. And I get frustrated at my kids not having any patience.

I decide to go to the mall to make sure that I can't run another test for a few hours. I am tempted to take a test with me to use at the bathroom in the mall just in case I can't control myself but I remember that I'll have my five year old with me which would make it hard to run a test there. Off to the mall I go having made it out the door without a test hidden in my purse.

I have now gone most of the day with out drinking as I don't want to dilute my urine and make what might be a BFP(Big Fat Positive) turn into a BFN by having too much water in my bladder. I am thirsty, frustrated and getting crabbier and crabbier by the minute.


It's been three and 1/2 hours and I'm so thirsty that I can hardly swallow. We pull into the driveway, I run into the house, down the hall to the bathroom, and run another test. Another BFN!!! Dang it! Dang it! Dang it all to HECK! Grrrr.

I had ran the rest of the tests by the next day at noon and since it was now 11 days after ovulation and I still hadn't got my BFP I knew that Aunt Flo and her dog spot would find me soon. On to the next cycle. I am going to have more self control next time.

A few days later I really do need some shampoo and tell dear hubby that I need to run and get some. He gives me a funny look and asks "Didn't you just get some a few days ago?"

I walk into the dollar store knowing that I'm safe from my addiction for another two weeks but as I walk past the HPT's to the shampoo I notice that they only have 20 tests left. I panic. What if they are all gone in two weeks, what will I do, where will I go. I grab all 20 tests and head to the cash register, kicking myself all the way there. When I get home I find a good place to hide them, way in the back of the closet.

My husband calls from the shower and asks me for the shampoo. I'm still in the process of hiding the tests and I call back to him, my mind still in an addictive fog, "Shampoo! What shampoo?"

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